Day 1,300 of Being Kinder to Myself

1,300 days is a long time.
Long enough to heal,
long enough to grieve.
Long enough for silence
to disguise itself as peace.

But I still hear it.
A whisper hiding in my sigh,
an old thirst that never dies.
It’s perfectly hidden;
as a fight with a friend,
as a stormy day,
as a dull ache never fading away.
It never comes shouting.
It slides in with ease.
Like a room I used to live in,
air nostalgic with retreat.

Sometimes I miss it.
Not the pain nor the cost,
but the way that it hugged me,
when I was all alone and lost.
How it blurred the sharp edges,
but just barely enough,
for it to feel soft instead of rough.

But I don’t go back.
At least not today.
Today, I say pass;
it’s my brain I obey.
I choose my own loss,
despite missing the high,
of getting what I was,
before saying goodbye.

This is not forgetting.
This is a fight.
This is me walking
with strength through the night.
This is not freedom.
This is choosing thereof.
And maybe that, too,
is a form of self-love.

Unpledging

the screws on my pencil sharpener came loose again.

The Last Rain

Like raindrops cold on frozen stone,

Your absence chills me to the bone.

I speak at night, my words intoned,

Each breath a weight I bear alone.

We laughed beneath the silver skies,

Not knowing it would be the end.

Now every star above me cries,

For all my messages left unsent.

Who knew that smile would be the last?

That your big wish would soon come true?

The future faded to the past.

Now every night, I think of you.

No time to speak a last goodbye,

No chance to guide you through the pain.

I watch the petals as they fly,

And pray they bring you back with rain.

Hippity

With little limbs, so swift yet small,

You rolled into my life, a tiny ball.

With gentle eyes, a curious face,

You turned my nights into brighter days.

But New Year’s Eve took you away,

Leaving my heart in disarray.

No longer would your legs take flight,

Your tiny world now held by night.

I couldn’t let your memory fade,

So here you rest, a tribute was made.

In this little jar, your beauty froze.

You were the first baby I ever chose.

Your terrarium stays the same, untouched.

Your silk still clings where you once clutched.

I dare not move the threads you twirled;

Your art, your shelter, your entire world.

My first little baby, you’ll always be,

A piece of my soul, a part of me.

A tiny life, so full of cheer.

I'm sorry for leaving you behind last year.

A Forgotten Star

From a stray, with no one’s heart to warm,
No lap to soothe, no hand to charm.
Chosen by humans for her quiet grace,
She was sent soaring up into space.
Through roaring flames and deafening sound,
She left behind the trembling ground.

Floating alone in the silent abyss,
Did she yearn for a life of love and bliss?
Did she dream of gentle strokes, of play?
Of a home where she could safely stay?
And when she returned to familiar faces,
Did her heart leap at their warm embraces?
Did she purr, believing love was near,
Only to meet cold hands in fear?

For when she fell to earth once more,
She found no haven, no open door.
No bowl of milk, no loving hand,
Just cold indifference from this land.

Félicette, I would have loved you so,
Kept you safe from this world’s woe.
You deserved a home, a sunlit place,
A life of peace, no hurried race.
Now, in the heavens, your spirit roams,
Among the stars, you’ve found your home.
May your stars forever brightly burn,
A sign of the love we failed to return.

2018

I should have left six years ago,

When darkness wrapped me in its glow.

But here I stand, a haunted ghost,

Surviving what I had feared the most.

The years passed by, a choking hold.

A life of feeling sad and cold.

Yet here I am, though shattered slow.

I should have left six years ago.

Failed Aspirations

Chasing a dream that is not my own
Fighting for the destiny I was assigned
An ache in my chest, a truth overthrown
My soul yearns for a life that it can’t find

In this warfare, I’m walking alone
Trudging a path that I don't believe
A battle for a future that is not my own
A life pursued that I can't retrieve

There is a smile, a mask of grace
While conflicts within my spirit wage
Chasing dreams that leave no trace
My life is scripted on a distant page

On sleepless nights, I drop my disguise
For this endless road, fogged and gaunt
For the dreams I let go, for a life full of lies
For the fight for a future that I don’t truly want

Immortal at Twenty

At twenty years old, my soul unfolds

I feel immortal with tales untold

As a silent specter, through time I roam

Empires rise and fall, a ruler loses his home

Kingdoms crumble and cultures wane

I stand watching like a permanent stain

Replaying memories, grieving anew
Longing for futures that once seemed true

Your laughter, your smile, stories we spun
Each day a battle, since you were undone
A void remains, so aching and deep
Reminders of promises that we failed to keep

In the stillness of nights, when my heart weeps
You come to visit, bringing solace and peace

But a moment passes, the room goes still
You always leave me stranded on this hill

I’m twenty years old and not truly immortal
Just held prisoner in time’s cruel portal
Longing for chances, yearning for embrace
I wander through time as a forgotten case

In my imagined eternity, our moments replay
Time may pass, but memories forever stay

A canvas of moments, painted by the past
Brushstrokes of love, each memory shall last

In galleries of time, moments play their part
Cherished memories, a masterpiece in my heart
You and I, forever bound by art’s sweet call
In my immortal heart, you will never fall