I haven't slept for days

I hear whispers at night,

I feel hands on my throat.
They don’t want me to fight,

so today I wrote this note.

My eyes are stapled shut,

but my mind is wide awake.
There’s a feeling in my gut

when my body starts to ache.

There’s a man in my room,

he’s been here since May.
He wears a dark costume,

but he’s gone during the day.

These pills aren’t working,

my head is still at war.
I know that he’s lurking,

right there by my door.

Whenever it’s time for bed,

I feel a weight on my heart.
I start counting in my head

for the nightmare to start.

It was 4 in the morning when I turned on my light.

The last time I checked, it was only midnight.

My head falls on the pillow as I let out a weep.
This is yet another night without any sleep.

Losing Myself

A cold hand on my wrist,

It distracts me from the pain.

My dreams turn into mist.

Can we go to see the rain?

A cold breath down my spine,

A low whisper in my ear.

Let me take your hand in mine,

We can walk through the fear.

A vibration fills my core.

There’s a light on my shelf.

I feel my heartbeat once more,

But I’ve already lost myself.

Distance

I can feel it happening

I know the gap is growing

The memories are blackening

Your disinterest is showing

There’s too much on my hands

Many things I can’t bear

I can’t line up our plans

And you don’t seem to even care

You have moved on

While I’m stuck in the past

Soon enough, you’ll be gone

This relationship will not last

Yet I keep reaching out

I put my feelings on display

But even when I shout

You keep walking away

Me and You

You’re the warm home, when it’s freezing outside.
You’re like my safety, a place where I can hide.

I’m the broken words, the ones with letters mixed.

You’re the quill and ink, my flaw can now be fixed.

Like an old jacket, worn out and left behind.

I have stories left to tell, but not the healing kind.

You’re the main character, missing in this plot.

You mean more to the story than I ever thought.

Nightmares

I used to suffer from awful nightmares
But you were always right by my side
You would hug me and wipe away tears
You would make my smile so wide

In those night where dreams took place
You’d grab my wrist without command
You’d slowly bring it up to your face
And you’d place a soft kiss on my hand

But during warm summer nights in June
The prickling cold on my skin felt ruthless
I hadn’t expected nightmares so soon
But dreamless sleep had become near useless

The first night when I awoke from my rest
I could feel my heart crush inwards
As if a great weight was dropped on my chest
As if I’d been stabbed with a million swords

I was left with a bitter taste on my tongue
Each breath more painful than the last
I’d feel my ribs breaking one by one
As I suffered from memories of the past

Now there is no more grips on my wrist
No more kisses for my hand to claim
No words from that voice I’ve missed
No arms wrapping around my frame

A part of me remains forever broken
The part I can try to forget but won’t
Because every morning when my dark eyes open
I know that your beautiful shining emeralds don’t

Letting Go

The sun rose high this morning,
The darkness seemed to somewhat heal.
The light feels increasingly warming,
Perhaps a new life will soon reveal.

What is someone expected to do,
When losing a battle they didn’t start?
How am I supposed to make it through,
When my body is ripping itself apart?

With a constant pain every time I wake,
I have many things left to explore.
So many friends left to make,
For my heart has not yet closed its door.

To those already present in my life,
Talking to you makes me feel complete.
And to my future husband or wife,
I’m so sorry we’ll never get to meet.

It pains me how quickly time flies,
How fast my vision is turning blue.
I fall asleep to my mother’s cries,
Fully aware there’s nothing I can do.

Yet I still get up early every day,
To count all the sunsets I get to see.
I realise I’ll soon fly its way,
And perhaps that’s what sets me free.

I spend several hours staring above,
With a body feeling very sore.
But gratitude brings hope and love,
And I’m blessed to see the sun once more.

In Loving Memory of Levi Wolff

2001.08.27 - 2021.05.31