Below the Skin

“How did he endure it for so long?”

Was a question I often pondered on

But recently it’s turned into a song

And it doesn’t darken even by dawn

Because lately, I’ve shared his feelings

Something I thought I’d never confess

Although I’ll never understand his dealings

At least I can say I share similar stress

The journey started when he was five

It was the last time he got to see her alive

His dry eyes had for the first time burned

When she walked out and never returned

The delicacy of a woman’s innocence

Radiated through the bright-lit parks

Then horror came to join the presence

Once a mother was now only a corpse

His next memory was being sliced

But that act spiraled out of control

All of a sudden, his neck was sacrificed

Yet the enemy seemed unsure of its goal

Though the guilty was very sick at mind

His actions couldn’t be saved by excuse

The steps were set up too perfectly aligned

His son was now a victim of child abuse

“You’re the reason we’re in debt”

Eight words that almost made him ill

The guilt transformed him to a pet

As he jumped around against his will

Born a human, but now more of a doll

None of this was going as planned

Like Alice, he was falling down a pitfall

But at the bottom, there was no wonderland

Eventually, he confessed to feeling static

He told me that he had lost the pain

I thought he was being dramatic

But I, too, can feel the light slowly drain

So I have come to terms with his fate

And accepted his decision to flee

Now the only thing I can do is wait

For the same destiny that’s chasing me

Locked Away

I lock the door upon entering a room

Just to make sure I keep predators away

Overthinking makes me believe they’ll assume

I’m an actor, playing the role of a prey

Because I’m not as tall as I appear to be

I do care about what people think of me

You say insecurities make you feel blue

But I believe that they actually kill you

I was wrong to consider myself carefree

Others opinions absolutely terrify me

And I was wrong to think this was a duet

As I always end up with a feeling of regret

Though confessing gives you water in thirst

I can’t let anyone look under the cloak

The effect is somehow always reversed

And I end up wishing I hadn’t spoke

“You should try talking to someone”

But honestly, does anyone truly care?

No one likes the one who kills the fun

It doesn’t matter if they’re choking for air

And something that people don’t understand

Is that I wish I could lash onto their hand 

But I’d prefer to hide in another dimension

Than be labeled as a whore for attention

So I lock the door and turn off the lights

Curl up and sob into the darkest of nights

Double-check that there’s no one outside

My skin once bright can now be dyed

Listen to the voices behind that closed door

Feel their laughter stab me in my core

And even when people try reaching my soul

I make sure to never put the key to its hole

I am so tired

I am so tired

I just want to rest

Joy is what I desired

But I have never been so blessed

And despite being asleep

Despite being awake

I can still feel it creep

The painful heartache

I am so tired

I feel so very blue

So who should I turn to

When there’s no one in my view?

And no matter how hard I try

I’d rather suffocate and die

Because I truly cannot bear

The thought of asking others for air

I am so tired

Of not being what they asked for

So lately I have admired

This caused pain so much more

Because I know that it is filthy

But I still think it feels great

And I know it isn’t healthy

But it helps me navigate

I am so tired

So please don’t take me away

Don’t act like I’m retired

And hang me up for display

Because I don’t want any help

Before taking my last breath

And I have never let out a yelp

Because I’m not afraid of death

I am so tired

I feel extremely sick

Has the food I ate expired?

Or is my anxiety just this thick?

I decided to ease it

Before I had an attack

Now my skin is being split

And my vision turns all black

I am so tired

Yet I still have to resist

A reply is now required

So tell me, why even exist?

I feel like such a bother

No matter what I’m doing

But even if you're my mother

You can’t force me this improving

I am so tired

No need to count any sheep

I am so very tired

Could you please just let me sleep?

Trauma

It all started with a small little note

I didn’t know people could be so cruel

Tightening the noose around my throat

Using my suffering as their own fuel

I was left alone in this big town

Words spread faster than you think

I tried writing my bad thoughts down

But my pen had lost all of its ink

Being stuck in this cruel game

I was truly the only one to blame

So with a poor low-quality pencil

I started using skin as a stencil

Skipping meals was an easy task

I knew I was slowly losing this fight

Yet no one ever bothered to ask

Even when I said I’d lost my appetite

While in desperate need of band aids

No one came to ask how I was feeling

Friends cut me off with sharp blades

But I also caused my own bleeding

I had underestimated the power

Those other people could have on me

I would spend hours in the shower

Drowning in my own red sea

Just like a mom without daughter

I started feeling very depressed

I know I would’ve consumed saltwater

If I was told it could put me to rest

I expected things to be better now

Yet it all still haunts me to this day

I’ve learned that trauma would never allow

A feeling like happiness anyway